You Can Never Go Back

Wow..I'm 40..the big four oh..over the hill..four zero..hmmm..
I never worried about my age..ever..I always lived by the motto, you are as old as you feel, and I always felt at least 20..and when I was 20 I felt at least 16...but now...it's hitting me. Forty...I can never go back. I don't know why I always felt like I could. You know the saying, "Don't put off tomorrow what you can do today?" I always lived by that. Now I procrastinate and put everything off and my whole life is passing me by. 15 years ago I wouldn't have done that.
I have a closet FULL of clothes and shoes that I have never worn except for a select few..and I see a pretty pair of shoes or an outfit and I buy it..and what for? I always say I will wear them eventually..or some day I want to do something with my life..get a job, go to school..yet it always gets pushed a little farther away in the future. Now I fear I am losing time.
Frank is in Kuwait and has been gone for 10 months and will be gone for 5 more months and I feel like I have lost so much time with him that I can never get back.
I was away for 9 years..time I could have spent with my family and I came back home and had only 2 years left with my dad before he died. Life is short! I would have much rather spent those 9 years with my dad than doing what I was doing and doing it with who I was doing it with..Ya know? So much time..gone..you can never go back..
It is New Years Eve 2008..my new years resolution is to live like there is no tomorrow..get it done! I'm going to wear those beautiful clothes..do something with my life instead of putting MY life on hold for someone else..that has been the story of my life..always thinking I had time to do what I wanted and putting my life on the back burner..everyone else always came before me..I guess that goes back to how I was raised. I was raised to never talk back or speak my opinion..I was always a pushover and put myself last. I would never be confrontational to the point of me getting MY way..maybe it's time.. cause you can never go back..

Parenting Grown-ups

I'm not the best at keeping up on the tasks at hand, but I try. Right now the task is this blog..this was supposed to be written for my peace of mind and to help me relax a little..yet I find it hard to sit down and write when I have so many things to do.
Plus, there really isn't much that I can say that won't upset someone or hurt someones feelings, so I find myself thinking about what I am going to write and pretty much deciding not to write about what I really want to write about. Which sucks because that kind of defeats the purpose of the entire idea of the blog..ya think?? I'm always the one who rocks the boat, so to speak, without even trying to rock the boat..so I really have to watch what I say about others. I'm too opininated..don't ask me if you really don't want to know the truth! God knows I don't want to be the cause of someone slitting their wrists because they want my approval so badly. Being me is stressful..lol
I guess my biggest problem IS stress. I have two grown children who for all intense purposes have decided they have to live with me..so I will start there...My oldest daughter, Brandy, whom I love dearly, will be the reason I go to an early grave..She keeps me up nights..stressing over her and what she is going to do with her future..see..she got involved with this guy who convinced her that she was his world and she fell in love..had plans to marry the guy and everything..until she got pregnant. THEN his true colors began to shine through. He decided that he didn't want the responsibility of dealing with her and her mood swings, or a child. But he did stick around and TRY to be a good guy..I will give him that..but as soon as the baby was born..she was knocked up again..That's when it all went to hell..Frank got stationed in Texas...(we were in North Carolina) and I was so upset because this man was not going to take care of my pregnant daughter or my grandchild, who was already born..so I insisted that she come with us. She had no one else to go to..Oh, By the way..I was also pregnant with mine and Franks first child..after 4 miscarriages..but that's a whole other story..so anyway..we drive to Texas with pregnant Brandy and Donovan in tow..get here and Frank leaves after 5 months to go to Kuwait for 15 months..so I'm thinking it's a good idea that Brandy is here..she will keep me company while Frank is gone. Oh, then my ex kicks my 20 year old son out and guess where he came?? If only I knew then what I know now..Neither one of them is not accomplishing anything with their lives..Brandy sits around all day watching TV, letting the babies get into everything and my house is always a wreck. Chris stays in his room playing with his computer all day until he leaves for his "night job" at Lowes, then he comes home and plays with his computer, or watches TV then goes to sleep until 3 or 4 the next day...after working for 3 maybe 4 hours a night..I never have any money, and neither one of them can support themselves..This is my life..every single day..And Frank and I are the ones that are suffering, and sacrificing everything for them...and for what? We should have already saved enough money for a down payment on a house,but didn't..hell, I need extensive dental work...but haven't been to the dentist once since we have been here...wanna know why? I can't fricken afford it! Oh gosh..I'm getting pissed again..when does this parenting thing get easier??

JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE

Just trying to live my life to the fullest every day is really hard right now..when all I want to do is hold you..I don't know when I started needing you so much, but it has happened. I don't like it..I don't like any of this..I just want you home..to be the husband I married and the dad you need to be to our daughter.. I don't want to do this anymore..I want to wake up

Why I am writing this blog...

I started this blog to hopefully give myself some peace of mind. writing is therapeutic for me..When I was younger I used to write down everything and it always made me feel better. Being away from Frank is so depressing. The only thing that keeps me going is Brie Bear. It's tough being away from Frank and not being able to touch him, but when I touch Brie, I feel like I am touching a part of him too..and I guess I am..:) She IS my sunshine. I am so blessed to have her and I will never take that for granted. I'm just counting down the days when we can be a complete family again. Then I will feel complete.
This will be a blog about everything and anything that touches my life..or that I feel like writing about..serious stuff, silly stuff, stuff that really doesn't matter in the real sceme of life as we know it...but probably nothing that is too serious or is going to get people pissed off at me..lol..I probably won't be telling all of the truth because people hate hearing the truth about themselves or hearing the opinions of someone else, when it concerns them. So I will omit things as I see fit so I don't hurt anyone's feelings.
I'm going to put forth the effort to write this blog at least once a week, so stay tuned!
Peace..