How arrogant of the human race to believe that we are the only life in the universe..I think about the infinite possibilities out there and wish I could know in my lifetime what other beings reside in a galaxy so far from ours. Would they be like us? Would they be little green men that Hollywood has imagined for so many years? Would they be intelligent beings? And I wonder if they also have a bible..lol Would they be a peaceful society? Or maybe their "earth" is newer than ours and they haven't invented a wheel, or fire yet.. :)
When I look up at the stars at night, it literally takes away my breath. When I watch shows about the planets, they have my undivided attention. It just amazes me that every little planet in the sky is as big as our planet, or bigger. It amazes me that they have sent Rovers to Mars and I have seen the red planet up close and personal. It looks like Arizona or something..lol..I wonder what it would feel like to stand on one of those planets and watch our sun rise. Scientists are researching other planets to see if they will be able to support life..our life..so one day, when our planet is no longer habitable, they can start shipping humans to this new planet. I wonder how long it will take for that to happen? Every generation discovers something new and it makes me sad to know I won't be here to see all the wonderful discoveries. I picture Venus as HELL. It is the most violent planet with it's massive volcanoes. I picture life under the seas of Europa, and hope they explore this moon before my life ends. There are so many possibilities...and they excite me to no end. I want to believe... and I do! :)
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Something To Believe In
I'm going to write about a subject that I NEVER talk about, but has profoundly shaped me into the person I am today. I never talk about it because it still hurts me..it cuts into my heart like a dagger and the pain in too much for me. The subject is religion and my early years...
I was raised in a very religious home..well, my mother is religious..my father believed in the bottle. :) He liked to have a good time and knew life was short so made the most of his. I'm sure he had deeper reasons for his drinking, like his father was a bottle believer too... or it could have been because when my dad was little he had ADHD ..and back then they didn't have an understanding of that..so he was just plain "bad"...his parents couldn't handle him, so they put him in a foster home. They had 13 kids after all..and how were they supposed to know why he was the way he was? I wish I would have talked to him more..there are questions I would have asked him if I would have known he wasn't going to live forever. I took him for granted. He was truly my hero. My mother and I never got along..and my dad always stood up for me..and was there for me. I think the reason she didn't like me so much was because I couldn't follow her religion. She was borderline fanatical (in my opinion and BTW..she isn't the same as she was then..she has mellowed out a lot! :) ) I just couldn't force myself to believe what she did. It's like forcing yourself to love someone, and I know from experience, that isn't possible. You can't force yourself to believe something that you just don't believe. It can't happen. And even though she would tell me it didn't matter if I believed, I should live my life according to her religion, because it was the TRUTH...but for me, I wasn't sure if it was the truth. I felt like it would be hypocritical if I just pretended to believe because I "knew better". So we clashed. She was sure I was the devils spawn, or evil, or maybe even possessed. lol..it was the Prince..Purple Rain poster..or the scary book I was reading at the time..or AC/DC..which for some reason people thought stood for Anti-Christ/Devils Children..OMG!LOL! instead of what it really stood for which is alternate current / direct current..(electricity) lol..who knows..but some things happened in my adolescence that I just can't explain..like weird things that could be perceived as possession. But with her being so religious, it made it possible for those things to happen. I believe that. Like the old belief that a vampire cannot enter your home unless you invite him in? I believe that if there is a devil, he cannot enter your mind, home, body...whatever unless you really believe in the devil and leaves a door wide open. And if you believe in ghosts, you are more likely to see an apparition than someone who doesn't believe. Well, I don't know what to believe. Growing up in a religious home made me aware of church, the bible, God, demons, angels, heaven, hell, and all things supernatural. If you believe in God, who is apparently a spirit, why wouldn't you believe in ghosts and other supernatural things? So without my mother knowing it, she made me believe that all these things are possible. But like I said, I don't know what I believe. It must be comforting for her to think that after she dies, if she lives a good honest life, that she will be resurrected and live in a paradise on earth. When anything happens to her in her life, she has faith that God will see her through it. Even if she was on her death bed, she would be comforted by this belief. I don't have that. On my death bed, I will be afraid. Afraid of the unknown. To me, what is true for YOU, is TRUE for you. Ya know? If you believe in God and have faith in God, then there is a God, and God will provide for you and comfort you. But if you don't believe then you can't make yourself believe. I have a hard time believing in something that is not there. I can't see God..I can't feel God..so he is not there for me. It's like my mind is in constant conflict with what is true and what is not true. For example, I pray..but to whom am I praying? I say God..but I am agnostic...so who am I praying to? It's just a comfort thing, because I raised to believe that if I pray to God, He will comfort me. Being raised in a religious home is very confusing if you just don't believe. It is also hard for me to believe that something that has caused so many wars, crime, and hate can be a good thing..ya know? I mean seriously..I can write a book...say I am a prophet..even pretend to be different people..or maybe I AM different people..like a split personality..or maybe I write the book with several people..making some sort of a history book..and maybe that book gets buried in time..and brought back a thousand years from now..would that book be considered true? Would it be a bible? Would people actually live by my words? Who's to say that's not what happened with the bible? Who's to say that Moses wasn't a schizophrenic? If you ask a religious person, they will tell you the bible is true because some of the things in the bible are coming true..but who is to say that those things weren't happening back then also? I don't think man has changed all that much since the bible, except for technology. Man has always had it in them to rape, pillage, fornicate, steal, start wars, sleep with their family members, molest children..etc..these things have happened since the beginning of time. So how can these things be prophetic if they were happening then? If you want prophetic...read a book by Nostradamus. He wrote things that came true. More specific things, like Hitler...the Gulf War Saddam Husein and much more. Yet he isn't considered a God..nor are his writings considered bibles.
And then there is the actual religious people themselves..excluding some...most of them are hypocrites. They go to church every Sunday and pretend that they aren't sinning throughout the week..or they confess their sins and think the slate is wiped clean. These are the people that make it so hard for me to believe that religion is a good thing..and I don't want to be one of these people. My Mother is an exception..from what I know of her, she lives by what she preaches. She really believes that when she brings someone into her church, she is saving their lives. She lives a good, honest and pure life and I envy her. She has something to look forward to when she leaves this earth. She can wake up every day to a new day and have something to look forward to...a purpose. I find myself asking, why am I here? What is MY purpose?
I also don't like the fact that religious people claim to be the most open minded people, yet they are the ones that are racist against all sorts of lifestyles...being gay for instance..to me, being gay is not a choice. I'm positive that most gay people would prefer to be straight. It would make their lives much easier and they wouldn't face a world of hate. So, no..it is NOT a chosen lifestyle. There has been proof that some people are just born with the body parts they weren't supposed to have. If you develop in your mind as a girl, but your body develops as a male...is that the fault of the person who has to live that way? No..why is it that people can accept birth defects so easily, but not accept that a boy can be born with girl parts? It happens..also religious people are racist against witchcraft, which is another religion. These people are pegged as evil, when they are completely on the opposite spectrum of evil. They believe in love and mother nature. What is so wrong with that? And it's pretty close to what I myself believe in, only I have never labeled it..except to say that I am agnostic. Religious people are also racist against other religions. They all believe that their religion is the true religion that God himself would want them to follow. But they all basically believe in the same thing..so I don't get it. Why can't all religions just join together and be one? Then what would our world have left to fight about? There are a lot of religious people that are racist against mixing cultures and races. I think people are people, no matter what..we all bleed the same..we all have the same parts and emotions no matter the color of our skin. These are things that I knew from a very early age and knew there was something wrong with the way some people thought.
Growing up, I was raised in a military family. We moved about every three years and there were all differnt races in our lives. I was taught by my parents to love everyone and race was never an issue. In fact, I barely had white friends. I was raised around African American people and really never noticed a difference and was blind to the the racism our world possesses. I never really knew that there were people in the world that hated other races, basically because they were different from them... All of my sisters had the same beliefs and as adults some of us chose to be with people of others races and our family is a mixed family. Race is something that is never thought about in my family. And in my opinion, If it wasn't for religion, our world wouldn't be as racist as it is. I just don't get why people take the bible and make what they want out of it. It doesn't say in the bible that people are different from each other. And even if it did, who is to say that it is right? Someone could have had an argument with a black man back in the day...and decided they hated all black people and were against them and used that influence in the bible..we don't know..we will never know. To me, it is a book that teaches how to hate because people deduce what they want to believe from it and it's usually hateful things.
I love science..it has interested me my whole life and from what I know about science, and the bible..it is conflicting. I HAVE to believe in the science first because this stuff has been proven..right? So Armageddon? Is Armageddon coming in 4 billion years when the sun dies? Religious people think it could come at any time..I think we have 4 billion years left on this earth and I hope we aren't reincarnated because I don't want to be around for it..lol The only other possibility is another ice age, a super tsunami, if Yellowstone erupts or any other super natural disaster that will make us an extinct species, and then...to me..it will be what it is..a NATURAL disaster that happens because it is nature. We live on a tiny planet that can can split itself apart at any time and I don't believe there is some spiritual force that will make that happen. If I am expected to believe in God, who is a huge presence... all seeing and all knowing..then I believe that force is nature. I believe that the whole universe was created by accident, as was life. It is an accidental gift that we all must cherish because it will be over before we know it.
I didn't raise my children religious. I wanted my children to have an open mind and choose what they believed. I would never force my beliefs on my children and scar them for life. And yes, it has scarred me for life..because my psychology is all screwed up. Being raised to believe something that you just can't believe makes you feel like something is wrong with you. It makes you question yourself and your life. It can also cause a young person to make bad choices. Just because I am not religious doesn't make me a bad person. Just because I don't go to church doesn't make me any less spiritual. And yes, I am a very spiritual person. It may be God that I feel, or maybe something else..I don't know..but I am a spiritual person and I am a good person, with good morals and values. I don't believe there should be a middle man (religion) to God, or whatever I feel. I believe it's who you are, your actions you take and how you treat people and the universe. It's what you do in your life and who you ARE as a person that matters. I am a very empathetic person who would never put another person down or hurt anyone knowingly. I like to walk in everyones' shoes and feel what they feel and know what they know and never pass judgment. I like to be able to say I did something wrong, when I do something wrong and say it was because I am human..I don't want to have to answer to anyone about my faults because I am human and everyone has faults. I don't want to lie to myself and pretend to be something that I'm not or do wrong things just because I can and go to confession and have the slate wiped clean like most religious people that I know..If there is a God, I truly doubt that is what He had in mind...I just want to be me and be accepted for who I am inside, not for what I believe in...but still...
the devout Christians that live their lives the good way, like my mother...I envy them. They have something to believe in...
I was raised in a very religious home..well, my mother is religious..my father believed in the bottle. :) He liked to have a good time and knew life was short so made the most of his. I'm sure he had deeper reasons for his drinking, like his father was a bottle believer too... or it could have been because when my dad was little he had ADHD ..and back then they didn't have an understanding of that..so he was just plain "bad"...his parents couldn't handle him, so they put him in a foster home. They had 13 kids after all..and how were they supposed to know why he was the way he was? I wish I would have talked to him more..there are questions I would have asked him if I would have known he wasn't going to live forever. I took him for granted. He was truly my hero. My mother and I never got along..and my dad always stood up for me..and was there for me. I think the reason she didn't like me so much was because I couldn't follow her religion. She was borderline fanatical (in my opinion and BTW..she isn't the same as she was then..she has mellowed out a lot! :) ) I just couldn't force myself to believe what she did. It's like forcing yourself to love someone, and I know from experience, that isn't possible. You can't force yourself to believe something that you just don't believe. It can't happen. And even though she would tell me it didn't matter if I believed, I should live my life according to her religion, because it was the TRUTH...but for me, I wasn't sure if it was the truth. I felt like it would be hypocritical if I just pretended to believe because I "knew better". So we clashed. She was sure I was the devils spawn, or evil, or maybe even possessed. lol..it was the Prince..Purple Rain poster..or the scary book I was reading at the time..or AC/DC..which for some reason people thought stood for Anti-Christ/Devils Children..OMG!LOL! instead of what it really stood for which is alternate current / direct current..(electricity) lol..who knows..but some things happened in my adolescence that I just can't explain..like weird things that could be perceived as possession. But with her being so religious, it made it possible for those things to happen. I believe that. Like the old belief that a vampire cannot enter your home unless you invite him in? I believe that if there is a devil, he cannot enter your mind, home, body...whatever unless you really believe in the devil and leaves a door wide open. And if you believe in ghosts, you are more likely to see an apparition than someone who doesn't believe. Well, I don't know what to believe. Growing up in a religious home made me aware of church, the bible, God, demons, angels, heaven, hell, and all things supernatural. If you believe in God, who is apparently a spirit, why wouldn't you believe in ghosts and other supernatural things? So without my mother knowing it, she made me believe that all these things are possible. But like I said, I don't know what I believe. It must be comforting for her to think that after she dies, if she lives a good honest life, that she will be resurrected and live in a paradise on earth. When anything happens to her in her life, she has faith that God will see her through it. Even if she was on her death bed, she would be comforted by this belief. I don't have that. On my death bed, I will be afraid. Afraid of the unknown. To me, what is true for YOU, is TRUE for you. Ya know? If you believe in God and have faith in God, then there is a God, and God will provide for you and comfort you. But if you don't believe then you can't make yourself believe. I have a hard time believing in something that is not there. I can't see God..I can't feel God..so he is not there for me. It's like my mind is in constant conflict with what is true and what is not true. For example, I pray..but to whom am I praying? I say God..but I am agnostic...so who am I praying to? It's just a comfort thing, because I raised to believe that if I pray to God, He will comfort me. Being raised in a religious home is very confusing if you just don't believe. It is also hard for me to believe that something that has caused so many wars, crime, and hate can be a good thing..ya know? I mean seriously..I can write a book...say I am a prophet..even pretend to be different people..or maybe I AM different people..like a split personality..or maybe I write the book with several people..making some sort of a history book..and maybe that book gets buried in time..and brought back a thousand years from now..would that book be considered true? Would it be a bible? Would people actually live by my words? Who's to say that's not what happened with the bible? Who's to say that Moses wasn't a schizophrenic? If you ask a religious person, they will tell you the bible is true because some of the things in the bible are coming true..but who is to say that those things weren't happening back then also? I don't think man has changed all that much since the bible, except for technology. Man has always had it in them to rape, pillage, fornicate, steal, start wars, sleep with their family members, molest children..etc..these things have happened since the beginning of time. So how can these things be prophetic if they were happening then? If you want prophetic...read a book by Nostradamus. He wrote things that came true. More specific things, like Hitler...the Gulf War Saddam Husein and much more. Yet he isn't considered a God..nor are his writings considered bibles.
And then there is the actual religious people themselves..excluding some...most of them are hypocrites. They go to church every Sunday and pretend that they aren't sinning throughout the week..or they confess their sins and think the slate is wiped clean. These are the people that make it so hard for me to believe that religion is a good thing..and I don't want to be one of these people. My Mother is an exception..from what I know of her, she lives by what she preaches. She really believes that when she brings someone into her church, she is saving their lives. She lives a good, honest and pure life and I envy her. She has something to look forward to when she leaves this earth. She can wake up every day to a new day and have something to look forward to...a purpose. I find myself asking, why am I here? What is MY purpose?
I also don't like the fact that religious people claim to be the most open minded people, yet they are the ones that are racist against all sorts of lifestyles...being gay for instance..to me, being gay is not a choice. I'm positive that most gay people would prefer to be straight. It would make their lives much easier and they wouldn't face a world of hate. So, no..it is NOT a chosen lifestyle. There has been proof that some people are just born with the body parts they weren't supposed to have. If you develop in your mind as a girl, but your body develops as a male...is that the fault of the person who has to live that way? No..why is it that people can accept birth defects so easily, but not accept that a boy can be born with girl parts? It happens..also religious people are racist against witchcraft, which is another religion. These people are pegged as evil, when they are completely on the opposite spectrum of evil. They believe in love and mother nature. What is so wrong with that? And it's pretty close to what I myself believe in, only I have never labeled it..except to say that I am agnostic. Religious people are also racist against other religions. They all believe that their religion is the true religion that God himself would want them to follow. But they all basically believe in the same thing..so I don't get it. Why can't all religions just join together and be one? Then what would our world have left to fight about? There are a lot of religious people that are racist against mixing cultures and races. I think people are people, no matter what..we all bleed the same..we all have the same parts and emotions no matter the color of our skin. These are things that I knew from a very early age and knew there was something wrong with the way some people thought.
Growing up, I was raised in a military family. We moved about every three years and there were all differnt races in our lives. I was taught by my parents to love everyone and race was never an issue. In fact, I barely had white friends. I was raised around African American people and really never noticed a difference and was blind to the the racism our world possesses. I never really knew that there were people in the world that hated other races, basically because they were different from them... All of my sisters had the same beliefs and as adults some of us chose to be with people of others races and our family is a mixed family. Race is something that is never thought about in my family. And in my opinion, If it wasn't for religion, our world wouldn't be as racist as it is. I just don't get why people take the bible and make what they want out of it. It doesn't say in the bible that people are different from each other. And even if it did, who is to say that it is right? Someone could have had an argument with a black man back in the day...and decided they hated all black people and were against them and used that influence in the bible..we don't know..we will never know. To me, it is a book that teaches how to hate because people deduce what they want to believe from it and it's usually hateful things.
I love science..it has interested me my whole life and from what I know about science, and the bible..it is conflicting. I HAVE to believe in the science first because this stuff has been proven..right? So Armageddon? Is Armageddon coming in 4 billion years when the sun dies? Religious people think it could come at any time..I think we have 4 billion years left on this earth and I hope we aren't reincarnated because I don't want to be around for it..lol The only other possibility is another ice age, a super tsunami, if Yellowstone erupts or any other super natural disaster that will make us an extinct species, and then...to me..it will be what it is..a NATURAL disaster that happens because it is nature. We live on a tiny planet that can can split itself apart at any time and I don't believe there is some spiritual force that will make that happen. If I am expected to believe in God, who is a huge presence... all seeing and all knowing..then I believe that force is nature. I believe that the whole universe was created by accident, as was life. It is an accidental gift that we all must cherish because it will be over before we know it.
I didn't raise my children religious. I wanted my children to have an open mind and choose what they believed. I would never force my beliefs on my children and scar them for life. And yes, it has scarred me for life..because my psychology is all screwed up. Being raised to believe something that you just can't believe makes you feel like something is wrong with you. It makes you question yourself and your life. It can also cause a young person to make bad choices. Just because I am not religious doesn't make me a bad person. Just because I don't go to church doesn't make me any less spiritual. And yes, I am a very spiritual person. It may be God that I feel, or maybe something else..I don't know..but I am a spiritual person and I am a good person, with good morals and values. I don't believe there should be a middle man (religion) to God, or whatever I feel. I believe it's who you are, your actions you take and how you treat people and the universe. It's what you do in your life and who you ARE as a person that matters. I am a very empathetic person who would never put another person down or hurt anyone knowingly. I like to walk in everyones' shoes and feel what they feel and know what they know and never pass judgment. I like to be able to say I did something wrong, when I do something wrong and say it was because I am human..I don't want to have to answer to anyone about my faults because I am human and everyone has faults. I don't want to lie to myself and pretend to be something that I'm not or do wrong things just because I can and go to confession and have the slate wiped clean like most religious people that I know..If there is a God, I truly doubt that is what He had in mind...I just want to be me and be accepted for who I am inside, not for what I believe in...but still...
the devout Christians that live their lives the good way, like my mother...I envy them. They have something to believe in...
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