I know I haven't blogged in a long time but with so much going on in my life, this is the last thing I have time for. Believe me, I could use some ME time..along with a spa day. I'm in the process of moving from Texas to Virginia, so I will begin to blog again after I am settled and my life slows down. Until then, I am posting this letter that I read because I happen to agree with what is written here. I mean, I think it's great that the African American community has all of the opportunities that they have and they should take advantage of them but I seriously get tired of hearing the BS. I mean, they aren't the minority anymore...racism is at it's lowest point in history and most white people just don't care anymore. They are afforded the same opportunities that we have, and more. It really isn't fair that my children and grandchildren may have to work harder for the opportunities that are afforded to the black community because of the racism in this country. Honestly, I have never heard a white person make racial slurs or bitch about the black community, but I have heard MANY black people talk about how they dislike the white community, segregate themselves from white people and bitch about how hard their lives are because they are black. I really want to tell these people to shut up and try going back 100 years and see how much they think America is "fair". They should be ashamed when they are afforded so many opportunities and they live free lives when their ancestors didn't. If I had to go back in time and live in that time, I would have been one of the people to put my life on the line for abolishment of slavery and equal rights but I think it's messed up that so many people use the fact that they are black as a crutch. To be honest, the only prejudiced people that I have ever known were black. They still hold onto the past and hate white people and try to make them accountable for what our ancestors have done. I think it's wrong. I think the government should do away with all the special programs that they have for JUST the African American community and start treating them as our equals. I know poor white people who would benefit from these programs too..not just blacks. Don't get me wrong..I am not prejudiced in ANY way..half of my family is black..my daughter is not white and neither is my grandsons and step father..I was raised in black communities and never really saw a difference between the races until I became an adult and was subjected to racism myself, by black people...so this has nothing to do with me thinking we are better than the black community. I don't think that at all..in fact, I have met plenty of white people that I don't like and I think they are awful people and then I know many black people that I love and consider my family and think they are the best people to walk this earth. But I get so tired of having to walk on eggshells because I may say something offensive to a black person and they will consider me a bigot. I could explain that I would say what I said about a white person too...but why get into that when they are going to think what they want regardless. We are ALL people..it doesn't matter what color our skin is. None of us are better than the other and it's about time people started acting like it. Slavery is a thing of the past...the LONG past. There is nothing anyone can do about it now and I wasn't the one that did it. As far as I am concerned, my ancestors probably didn't either. Isn't it funny...older people, who WERE touched by slavery aren't the ones holding grudges...it's the people who wouldn't stand a chance in their shoes holding grudges.. Some people really need to move on. Seriously.
So anyway..here is the letter that was written for the president by Pat Buchanan. Someone needed to say these things and he did...
BUCHANAN TO OBAMA By Patrick J. Buchanan.
Barack says we need to have a conversation about race in America . Fair enough. But this time, it has to be a two-way conversation. White America needs to be heard from, not just lectured to.. This time, the Silent Majority needs to have its convictions, grievances and demands heard. And among them are these: First, America has been the best country on earth for black folks. It was here that 600,000 black people, brought from Africa in slave ships, grew into a community of 40 million, were introduced to Christian salvation, and reached the greatest levels of freedom and prosperity blacks have ever known. Wright ought to go down on his knees and thank God he is an American.Second, no people anywhere has done more to lift up blacks than white Americans. Untold trillions have been spent since the ' 60s on welfare, food stamps, rent supplements, Section 8 housing, Pell grants, student loans, legal services, Medicaid, Earned Income Tax Credits and poverty programs designed to bring the African-American community into the mainstream. Governments, businesses and colleges have engaged in discrimination against white folks -- with affirmative action, contract set-asides and quotas -- to advance black applicants over white applicants. Churches, foundations, civic groups, schools and individuals all over America have donated their time and money to support soup kitchens, adult education, day care, retirement and nursing homes for blacks.We hear the grievances. Where is the gratitude???Barack talks about new 'ladders of opportunity' for blacks. Let him go to Altoona ? And Johnstown , and ask the white kids in Catholic schools how many were visited lately by Ivy League recruiters handing out scholarships for 'deserving' white kids.? Is white America really responsible for the fact that the crime and incarceration rates for African-Americans are seven times those of white America ? Is it really white America 's fault that illegitimacy in the African-American community has hit 70 percent and the black dropout rate from high schools in some cities has reached 50 percent?Is that the fault of white America or, first and foremost, a failure of the black community itself?As for racism, its ugliest manifestation is in interracial crime, and especially interracial crimes of violence. Is Barack Obama aware that while white criminals choose black victims 3 percent of the time, black criminals choose white victims 45 percent of the time?Is Barack aware that black-on-white rapes are 100 times more common than the reverse, that black-on-white robberies were 139 times as common in the first three years of this decade as the reverse?We have all heard ad nauseam from the Rev. Al about Tawana Brawley, the Duke rape case and Jena . And all turned out to be hoaxes. But about the epidemic of black assaults on whites that are real, we hear nothing. Sorry, Barack, some of us have heard it all before, about 40 years and 40 trillion tax dollars ago. We are a Christian Nation even if Mr. Obama says we are not.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I WANT to believe!
How arrogant of the human race to believe that we are the only life in the universe..I think about the infinite possibilities out there and wish I could know in my lifetime what other beings reside in a galaxy so far from ours. Would they be like us? Would they be little green men that Hollywood has imagined for so many years? Would they be intelligent beings? And I wonder if they also have a bible..lol Would they be a peaceful society? Or maybe their "earth" is newer than ours and they haven't invented a wheel, or fire yet.. :)
When I look up at the stars at night, it literally takes away my breath. When I watch shows about the planets, they have my undivided attention. It just amazes me that every little planet in the sky is as big as our planet, or bigger. It amazes me that they have sent Rovers to Mars and I have seen the red planet up close and personal. It looks like Arizona or something..lol..I wonder what it would feel like to stand on one of those planets and watch our sun rise. Scientists are researching other planets to see if they will be able to support life..our life..so one day, when our planet is no longer habitable, they can start shipping humans to this new planet. I wonder how long it will take for that to happen? Every generation discovers something new and it makes me sad to know I won't be here to see all the wonderful discoveries. I picture Venus as HELL. It is the most violent planet with it's massive volcanoes. I picture life under the seas of Europa, and hope they explore this moon before my life ends. There are so many possibilities...and they excite me to no end. I want to believe... and I do! :)
When I look up at the stars at night, it literally takes away my breath. When I watch shows about the planets, they have my undivided attention. It just amazes me that every little planet in the sky is as big as our planet, or bigger. It amazes me that they have sent Rovers to Mars and I have seen the red planet up close and personal. It looks like Arizona or something..lol..I wonder what it would feel like to stand on one of those planets and watch our sun rise. Scientists are researching other planets to see if they will be able to support life..our life..so one day, when our planet is no longer habitable, they can start shipping humans to this new planet. I wonder how long it will take for that to happen? Every generation discovers something new and it makes me sad to know I won't be here to see all the wonderful discoveries. I picture Venus as HELL. It is the most violent planet with it's massive volcanoes. I picture life under the seas of Europa, and hope they explore this moon before my life ends. There are so many possibilities...and they excite me to no end. I want to believe... and I do! :)
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Something To Believe In
I'm going to write about a subject that I NEVER talk about, but has profoundly shaped me into the person I am today. I never talk about it because it still hurts me..it cuts into my heart like a dagger and the pain in too much for me. The subject is religion and my early years...
I was raised in a very religious home..well, my mother is religious..my father believed in the bottle. :) He liked to have a good time and knew life was short so made the most of his. I'm sure he had deeper reasons for his drinking, like his father was a bottle believer too... or it could have been because when my dad was little he had ADHD ..and back then they didn't have an understanding of that..so he was just plain "bad"...his parents couldn't handle him, so they put him in a foster home. They had 13 kids after all..and how were they supposed to know why he was the way he was? I wish I would have talked to him more..there are questions I would have asked him if I would have known he wasn't going to live forever. I took him for granted. He was truly my hero. My mother and I never got along..and my dad always stood up for me..and was there for me. I think the reason she didn't like me so much was because I couldn't follow her religion. She was borderline fanatical (in my opinion and BTW..she isn't the same as she was then..she has mellowed out a lot! :) ) I just couldn't force myself to believe what she did. It's like forcing yourself to love someone, and I know from experience, that isn't possible. You can't force yourself to believe something that you just don't believe. It can't happen. And even though she would tell me it didn't matter if I believed, I should live my life according to her religion, because it was the TRUTH...but for me, I wasn't sure if it was the truth. I felt like it would be hypocritical if I just pretended to believe because I "knew better". So we clashed. She was sure I was the devils spawn, or evil, or maybe even possessed. lol..it was the Prince..Purple Rain poster..or the scary book I was reading at the time..or AC/DC..which for some reason people thought stood for Anti-Christ/Devils Children..OMG!LOL! instead of what it really stood for which is alternate current / direct current..(electricity) lol..who knows..but some things happened in my adolescence that I just can't explain..like weird things that could be perceived as possession. But with her being so religious, it made it possible for those things to happen. I believe that. Like the old belief that a vampire cannot enter your home unless you invite him in? I believe that if there is a devil, he cannot enter your mind, home, body...whatever unless you really believe in the devil and leaves a door wide open. And if you believe in ghosts, you are more likely to see an apparition than someone who doesn't believe. Well, I don't know what to believe. Growing up in a religious home made me aware of church, the bible, God, demons, angels, heaven, hell, and all things supernatural. If you believe in God, who is apparently a spirit, why wouldn't you believe in ghosts and other supernatural things? So without my mother knowing it, she made me believe that all these things are possible. But like I said, I don't know what I believe. It must be comforting for her to think that after she dies, if she lives a good honest life, that she will be resurrected and live in a paradise on earth. When anything happens to her in her life, she has faith that God will see her through it. Even if she was on her death bed, she would be comforted by this belief. I don't have that. On my death bed, I will be afraid. Afraid of the unknown. To me, what is true for YOU, is TRUE for you. Ya know? If you believe in God and have faith in God, then there is a God, and God will provide for you and comfort you. But if you don't believe then you can't make yourself believe. I have a hard time believing in something that is not there. I can't see God..I can't feel God..so he is not there for me. It's like my mind is in constant conflict with what is true and what is not true. For example, I pray..but to whom am I praying? I say God..but I am agnostic...so who am I praying to? It's just a comfort thing, because I raised to believe that if I pray to God, He will comfort me. Being raised in a religious home is very confusing if you just don't believe. It is also hard for me to believe that something that has caused so many wars, crime, and hate can be a good thing..ya know? I mean seriously..I can write a book...say I am a prophet..even pretend to be different people..or maybe I AM different people..like a split personality..or maybe I write the book with several people..making some sort of a history book..and maybe that book gets buried in time..and brought back a thousand years from now..would that book be considered true? Would it be a bible? Would people actually live by my words? Who's to say that's not what happened with the bible? Who's to say that Moses wasn't a schizophrenic? If you ask a religious person, they will tell you the bible is true because some of the things in the bible are coming true..but who is to say that those things weren't happening back then also? I don't think man has changed all that much since the bible, except for technology. Man has always had it in them to rape, pillage, fornicate, steal, start wars, sleep with their family members, molest children..etc..these things have happened since the beginning of time. So how can these things be prophetic if they were happening then? If you want prophetic...read a book by Nostradamus. He wrote things that came true. More specific things, like Hitler...the Gulf War Saddam Husein and much more. Yet he isn't considered a God..nor are his writings considered bibles.
And then there is the actual religious people themselves..excluding some...most of them are hypocrites. They go to church every Sunday and pretend that they aren't sinning throughout the week..or they confess their sins and think the slate is wiped clean. These are the people that make it so hard for me to believe that religion is a good thing..and I don't want to be one of these people. My Mother is an exception..from what I know of her, she lives by what she preaches. She really believes that when she brings someone into her church, she is saving their lives. She lives a good, honest and pure life and I envy her. She has something to look forward to when she leaves this earth. She can wake up every day to a new day and have something to look forward to...a purpose. I find myself asking, why am I here? What is MY purpose?
I also don't like the fact that religious people claim to be the most open minded people, yet they are the ones that are racist against all sorts of lifestyles...being gay for instance..to me, being gay is not a choice. I'm positive that most gay people would prefer to be straight. It would make their lives much easier and they wouldn't face a world of hate. So, no..it is NOT a chosen lifestyle. There has been proof that some people are just born with the body parts they weren't supposed to have. If you develop in your mind as a girl, but your body develops as a male...is that the fault of the person who has to live that way? No..why is it that people can accept birth defects so easily, but not accept that a boy can be born with girl parts? It happens..also religious people are racist against witchcraft, which is another religion. These people are pegged as evil, when they are completely on the opposite spectrum of evil. They believe in love and mother nature. What is so wrong with that? And it's pretty close to what I myself believe in, only I have never labeled it..except to say that I am agnostic. Religious people are also racist against other religions. They all believe that their religion is the true religion that God himself would want them to follow. But they all basically believe in the same thing..so I don't get it. Why can't all religions just join together and be one? Then what would our world have left to fight about? There are a lot of religious people that are racist against mixing cultures and races. I think people are people, no matter what..we all bleed the same..we all have the same parts and emotions no matter the color of our skin. These are things that I knew from a very early age and knew there was something wrong with the way some people thought.
Growing up, I was raised in a military family. We moved about every three years and there were all differnt races in our lives. I was taught by my parents to love everyone and race was never an issue. In fact, I barely had white friends. I was raised around African American people and really never noticed a difference and was blind to the the racism our world possesses. I never really knew that there were people in the world that hated other races, basically because they were different from them... All of my sisters had the same beliefs and as adults some of us chose to be with people of others races and our family is a mixed family. Race is something that is never thought about in my family. And in my opinion, If it wasn't for religion, our world wouldn't be as racist as it is. I just don't get why people take the bible and make what they want out of it. It doesn't say in the bible that people are different from each other. And even if it did, who is to say that it is right? Someone could have had an argument with a black man back in the day...and decided they hated all black people and were against them and used that influence in the bible..we don't know..we will never know. To me, it is a book that teaches how to hate because people deduce what they want to believe from it and it's usually hateful things.
I love science..it has interested me my whole life and from what I know about science, and the bible..it is conflicting. I HAVE to believe in the science first because this stuff has been proven..right? So Armageddon? Is Armageddon coming in 4 billion years when the sun dies? Religious people think it could come at any time..I think we have 4 billion years left on this earth and I hope we aren't reincarnated because I don't want to be around for it..lol The only other possibility is another ice age, a super tsunami, if Yellowstone erupts or any other super natural disaster that will make us an extinct species, and then...to me..it will be what it is..a NATURAL disaster that happens because it is nature. We live on a tiny planet that can can split itself apart at any time and I don't believe there is some spiritual force that will make that happen. If I am expected to believe in God, who is a huge presence... all seeing and all knowing..then I believe that force is nature. I believe that the whole universe was created by accident, as was life. It is an accidental gift that we all must cherish because it will be over before we know it.
I didn't raise my children religious. I wanted my children to have an open mind and choose what they believed. I would never force my beliefs on my children and scar them for life. And yes, it has scarred me for life..because my psychology is all screwed up. Being raised to believe something that you just can't believe makes you feel like something is wrong with you. It makes you question yourself and your life. It can also cause a young person to make bad choices. Just because I am not religious doesn't make me a bad person. Just because I don't go to church doesn't make me any less spiritual. And yes, I am a very spiritual person. It may be God that I feel, or maybe something else..I don't know..but I am a spiritual person and I am a good person, with good morals and values. I don't believe there should be a middle man (religion) to God, or whatever I feel. I believe it's who you are, your actions you take and how you treat people and the universe. It's what you do in your life and who you ARE as a person that matters. I am a very empathetic person who would never put another person down or hurt anyone knowingly. I like to walk in everyones' shoes and feel what they feel and know what they know and never pass judgment. I like to be able to say I did something wrong, when I do something wrong and say it was because I am human..I don't want to have to answer to anyone about my faults because I am human and everyone has faults. I don't want to lie to myself and pretend to be something that I'm not or do wrong things just because I can and go to confession and have the slate wiped clean like most religious people that I know..If there is a God, I truly doubt that is what He had in mind...I just want to be me and be accepted for who I am inside, not for what I believe in...but still...
the devout Christians that live their lives the good way, like my mother...I envy them. They have something to believe in...
I was raised in a very religious home..well, my mother is religious..my father believed in the bottle. :) He liked to have a good time and knew life was short so made the most of his. I'm sure he had deeper reasons for his drinking, like his father was a bottle believer too... or it could have been because when my dad was little he had ADHD ..and back then they didn't have an understanding of that..so he was just plain "bad"...his parents couldn't handle him, so they put him in a foster home. They had 13 kids after all..and how were they supposed to know why he was the way he was? I wish I would have talked to him more..there are questions I would have asked him if I would have known he wasn't going to live forever. I took him for granted. He was truly my hero. My mother and I never got along..and my dad always stood up for me..and was there for me. I think the reason she didn't like me so much was because I couldn't follow her religion. She was borderline fanatical (in my opinion and BTW..she isn't the same as she was then..she has mellowed out a lot! :) ) I just couldn't force myself to believe what she did. It's like forcing yourself to love someone, and I know from experience, that isn't possible. You can't force yourself to believe something that you just don't believe. It can't happen. And even though she would tell me it didn't matter if I believed, I should live my life according to her religion, because it was the TRUTH...but for me, I wasn't sure if it was the truth. I felt like it would be hypocritical if I just pretended to believe because I "knew better". So we clashed. She was sure I was the devils spawn, or evil, or maybe even possessed. lol..it was the Prince..Purple Rain poster..or the scary book I was reading at the time..or AC/DC..which for some reason people thought stood for Anti-Christ/Devils Children..OMG!LOL! instead of what it really stood for which is alternate current / direct current..(electricity) lol..who knows..but some things happened in my adolescence that I just can't explain..like weird things that could be perceived as possession. But with her being so religious, it made it possible for those things to happen. I believe that. Like the old belief that a vampire cannot enter your home unless you invite him in? I believe that if there is a devil, he cannot enter your mind, home, body...whatever unless you really believe in the devil and leaves a door wide open. And if you believe in ghosts, you are more likely to see an apparition than someone who doesn't believe. Well, I don't know what to believe. Growing up in a religious home made me aware of church, the bible, God, demons, angels, heaven, hell, and all things supernatural. If you believe in God, who is apparently a spirit, why wouldn't you believe in ghosts and other supernatural things? So without my mother knowing it, she made me believe that all these things are possible. But like I said, I don't know what I believe. It must be comforting for her to think that after she dies, if she lives a good honest life, that she will be resurrected and live in a paradise on earth. When anything happens to her in her life, she has faith that God will see her through it. Even if she was on her death bed, she would be comforted by this belief. I don't have that. On my death bed, I will be afraid. Afraid of the unknown. To me, what is true for YOU, is TRUE for you. Ya know? If you believe in God and have faith in God, then there is a God, and God will provide for you and comfort you. But if you don't believe then you can't make yourself believe. I have a hard time believing in something that is not there. I can't see God..I can't feel God..so he is not there for me. It's like my mind is in constant conflict with what is true and what is not true. For example, I pray..but to whom am I praying? I say God..but I am agnostic...so who am I praying to? It's just a comfort thing, because I raised to believe that if I pray to God, He will comfort me. Being raised in a religious home is very confusing if you just don't believe. It is also hard for me to believe that something that has caused so many wars, crime, and hate can be a good thing..ya know? I mean seriously..I can write a book...say I am a prophet..even pretend to be different people..or maybe I AM different people..like a split personality..or maybe I write the book with several people..making some sort of a history book..and maybe that book gets buried in time..and brought back a thousand years from now..would that book be considered true? Would it be a bible? Would people actually live by my words? Who's to say that's not what happened with the bible? Who's to say that Moses wasn't a schizophrenic? If you ask a religious person, they will tell you the bible is true because some of the things in the bible are coming true..but who is to say that those things weren't happening back then also? I don't think man has changed all that much since the bible, except for technology. Man has always had it in them to rape, pillage, fornicate, steal, start wars, sleep with their family members, molest children..etc..these things have happened since the beginning of time. So how can these things be prophetic if they were happening then? If you want prophetic...read a book by Nostradamus. He wrote things that came true. More specific things, like Hitler...the Gulf War Saddam Husein and much more. Yet he isn't considered a God..nor are his writings considered bibles.
And then there is the actual religious people themselves..excluding some...most of them are hypocrites. They go to church every Sunday and pretend that they aren't sinning throughout the week..or they confess their sins and think the slate is wiped clean. These are the people that make it so hard for me to believe that religion is a good thing..and I don't want to be one of these people. My Mother is an exception..from what I know of her, she lives by what she preaches. She really believes that when she brings someone into her church, she is saving their lives. She lives a good, honest and pure life and I envy her. She has something to look forward to when she leaves this earth. She can wake up every day to a new day and have something to look forward to...a purpose. I find myself asking, why am I here? What is MY purpose?
I also don't like the fact that religious people claim to be the most open minded people, yet they are the ones that are racist against all sorts of lifestyles...being gay for instance..to me, being gay is not a choice. I'm positive that most gay people would prefer to be straight. It would make their lives much easier and they wouldn't face a world of hate. So, no..it is NOT a chosen lifestyle. There has been proof that some people are just born with the body parts they weren't supposed to have. If you develop in your mind as a girl, but your body develops as a male...is that the fault of the person who has to live that way? No..why is it that people can accept birth defects so easily, but not accept that a boy can be born with girl parts? It happens..also religious people are racist against witchcraft, which is another religion. These people are pegged as evil, when they are completely on the opposite spectrum of evil. They believe in love and mother nature. What is so wrong with that? And it's pretty close to what I myself believe in, only I have never labeled it..except to say that I am agnostic. Religious people are also racist against other religions. They all believe that their religion is the true religion that God himself would want them to follow. But they all basically believe in the same thing..so I don't get it. Why can't all religions just join together and be one? Then what would our world have left to fight about? There are a lot of religious people that are racist against mixing cultures and races. I think people are people, no matter what..we all bleed the same..we all have the same parts and emotions no matter the color of our skin. These are things that I knew from a very early age and knew there was something wrong with the way some people thought.
Growing up, I was raised in a military family. We moved about every three years and there were all differnt races in our lives. I was taught by my parents to love everyone and race was never an issue. In fact, I barely had white friends. I was raised around African American people and really never noticed a difference and was blind to the the racism our world possesses. I never really knew that there were people in the world that hated other races, basically because they were different from them... All of my sisters had the same beliefs and as adults some of us chose to be with people of others races and our family is a mixed family. Race is something that is never thought about in my family. And in my opinion, If it wasn't for religion, our world wouldn't be as racist as it is. I just don't get why people take the bible and make what they want out of it. It doesn't say in the bible that people are different from each other. And even if it did, who is to say that it is right? Someone could have had an argument with a black man back in the day...and decided they hated all black people and were against them and used that influence in the bible..we don't know..we will never know. To me, it is a book that teaches how to hate because people deduce what they want to believe from it and it's usually hateful things.
I love science..it has interested me my whole life and from what I know about science, and the bible..it is conflicting. I HAVE to believe in the science first because this stuff has been proven..right? So Armageddon? Is Armageddon coming in 4 billion years when the sun dies? Religious people think it could come at any time..I think we have 4 billion years left on this earth and I hope we aren't reincarnated because I don't want to be around for it..lol The only other possibility is another ice age, a super tsunami, if Yellowstone erupts or any other super natural disaster that will make us an extinct species, and then...to me..it will be what it is..a NATURAL disaster that happens because it is nature. We live on a tiny planet that can can split itself apart at any time and I don't believe there is some spiritual force that will make that happen. If I am expected to believe in God, who is a huge presence... all seeing and all knowing..then I believe that force is nature. I believe that the whole universe was created by accident, as was life. It is an accidental gift that we all must cherish because it will be over before we know it.
I didn't raise my children religious. I wanted my children to have an open mind and choose what they believed. I would never force my beliefs on my children and scar them for life. And yes, it has scarred me for life..because my psychology is all screwed up. Being raised to believe something that you just can't believe makes you feel like something is wrong with you. It makes you question yourself and your life. It can also cause a young person to make bad choices. Just because I am not religious doesn't make me a bad person. Just because I don't go to church doesn't make me any less spiritual. And yes, I am a very spiritual person. It may be God that I feel, or maybe something else..I don't know..but I am a spiritual person and I am a good person, with good morals and values. I don't believe there should be a middle man (religion) to God, or whatever I feel. I believe it's who you are, your actions you take and how you treat people and the universe. It's what you do in your life and who you ARE as a person that matters. I am a very empathetic person who would never put another person down or hurt anyone knowingly. I like to walk in everyones' shoes and feel what they feel and know what they know and never pass judgment. I like to be able to say I did something wrong, when I do something wrong and say it was because I am human..I don't want to have to answer to anyone about my faults because I am human and everyone has faults. I don't want to lie to myself and pretend to be something that I'm not or do wrong things just because I can and go to confession and have the slate wiped clean like most religious people that I know..If there is a God, I truly doubt that is what He had in mind...I just want to be me and be accepted for who I am inside, not for what I believe in...but still...
the devout Christians that live their lives the good way, like my mother...I envy them. They have something to believe in...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
You Can Never Go Back
Wow..I'm 40..the big four oh..over the hill..four zero..hmmm..
I never worried about my age..ever..I always lived by the motto, you are as old as you feel, and I always felt at least 20..and when I was 20 I felt at least 16...but now...it's hitting me. Forty...I can never go back. I don't know why I always felt like I could. You know the saying, "Don't put off tomorrow what you can do today?" I always lived by that. Now I procrastinate and put everything off and my whole life is passing me by. 15 years ago I wouldn't have done that.
I have a closet FULL of clothes and shoes that I have never worn except for a select few..and I see a pretty pair of shoes or an outfit and I buy it..and what for? I always say I will wear them eventually..or some day I want to do something with my life..get a job, go to school..yet it always gets pushed a little farther away in the future. Now I fear I am losing time.
Frank is in Kuwait and has been gone for 10 months and will be gone for 5 more months and I feel like I have lost so much time with him that I can never get back.
I was away for 9 years..time I could have spent with my family and I came back home and had only 2 years left with my dad before he died. Life is short! I would have much rather spent those 9 years with my dad than doing what I was doing and doing it with who I was doing it with..Ya know? So much time..gone..you can never go back..
It is New Years Eve 2008..my new years resolution is to live like there is no tomorrow..get it done! I'm going to wear those beautiful clothes..do something with my life instead of putting MY life on hold for someone else..that has been the story of my life..always thinking I had time to do what I wanted and putting my life on the back burner..everyone else always came before me..I guess that goes back to how I was raised. I was raised to never talk back or speak my opinion..I was always a pushover and put myself last. I would never be confrontational to the point of me getting MY way..maybe it's time.. cause you can never go back..
I never worried about my age..ever..I always lived by the motto, you are as old as you feel, and I always felt at least 20..and when I was 20 I felt at least 16...but now...it's hitting me. Forty...I can never go back. I don't know why I always felt like I could. You know the saying, "Don't put off tomorrow what you can do today?" I always lived by that. Now I procrastinate and put everything off and my whole life is passing me by. 15 years ago I wouldn't have done that.
I have a closet FULL of clothes and shoes that I have never worn except for a select few..and I see a pretty pair of shoes or an outfit and I buy it..and what for? I always say I will wear them eventually..or some day I want to do something with my life..get a job, go to school..yet it always gets pushed a little farther away in the future. Now I fear I am losing time.
Frank is in Kuwait and has been gone for 10 months and will be gone for 5 more months and I feel like I have lost so much time with him that I can never get back.
I was away for 9 years..time I could have spent with my family and I came back home and had only 2 years left with my dad before he died. Life is short! I would have much rather spent those 9 years with my dad than doing what I was doing and doing it with who I was doing it with..Ya know? So much time..gone..you can never go back..
It is New Years Eve 2008..my new years resolution is to live like there is no tomorrow..get it done! I'm going to wear those beautiful clothes..do something with my life instead of putting MY life on hold for someone else..that has been the story of my life..always thinking I had time to do what I wanted and putting my life on the back burner..everyone else always came before me..I guess that goes back to how I was raised. I was raised to never talk back or speak my opinion..I was always a pushover and put myself last. I would never be confrontational to the point of me getting MY way..maybe it's time.. cause you can never go back..
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Parenting Grown-ups
I'm not the best at keeping up on the tasks at hand, but I try. Right now the task is this blog..this was supposed to be written for my peace of mind and to help me relax a little..yet I find it hard to sit down and write when I have so many things to do.
Plus, there really isn't much that I can say that won't upset someone or hurt someones feelings, so I find myself thinking about what I am going to write and pretty much deciding not to write about what I really want to write about. Which sucks because that kind of defeats the purpose of the entire idea of the blog..ya think?? I'm always the one who rocks the boat, so to speak, without even trying to rock the boat..so I really have to watch what I say about others. I'm too opininated..don't ask me if you really don't want to know the truth! God knows I don't want to be the cause of someone slitting their wrists because they want my approval so badly. Being me is stressful..lol
I guess my biggest problem IS stress. I have two grown children who for all intense purposes have decided they have to live with me..so I will start there...My oldest daughter, Brandy, whom I love dearly, will be the reason I go to an early grave..She keeps me up nights..stressing over her and what she is going to do with her future..see..she got involved with this guy who convinced her that she was his world and she fell in love..had plans to marry the guy and everything..until she got pregnant. THEN his true colors began to shine through. He decided that he didn't want the responsibility of dealing with her and her mood swings, or a child. But he did stick around and TRY to be a good guy..I will give him that..but as soon as the baby was born..she was knocked up again..That's when it all went to hell..Frank got stationed in Texas...(we were in North Carolina) and I was so upset because this man was not going to take care of my pregnant daughter or my grandchild, who was already born..so I insisted that she come with us. She had no one else to go to..Oh, By the way..I was also pregnant with mine and Franks first child..after 4 miscarriages..but that's a whole other story..so anyway..we drive to Texas with pregnant Brandy and Donovan in tow..get here and Frank leaves after 5 months to go to Kuwait for 15 months..so I'm thinking it's a good idea that Brandy is here..she will keep me company while Frank is gone. Oh, then my ex kicks my 20 year old son out and guess where he came?? If only I knew then what I know now..Neither one of them is not accomplishing anything with their lives..Brandy sits around all day watching TV, letting the babies get into everything and my house is always a wreck. Chris stays in his room playing with his computer all day until he leaves for his "night job" at Lowes, then he comes home and plays with his computer, or watches TV then goes to sleep until 3 or 4 the next day...after working for 3 maybe 4 hours a night..I never have any money, and neither one of them can support themselves..This is my life..every single day..And Frank and I are the ones that are suffering, and sacrificing everything for them...and for what? We should have already saved enough money for a down payment on a house,but didn't..hell, I need extensive dental work...but haven't been to the dentist once since we have been here...wanna know why? I can't fricken afford it! Oh gosh..I'm getting pissed again..when does this parenting thing get easier??
Plus, there really isn't much that I can say that won't upset someone or hurt someones feelings, so I find myself thinking about what I am going to write and pretty much deciding not to write about what I really want to write about. Which sucks because that kind of defeats the purpose of the entire idea of the blog..ya think?? I'm always the one who rocks the boat, so to speak, without even trying to rock the boat..so I really have to watch what I say about others. I'm too opininated..don't ask me if you really don't want to know the truth! God knows I don't want to be the cause of someone slitting their wrists because they want my approval so badly. Being me is stressful..lol
I guess my biggest problem IS stress. I have two grown children who for all intense purposes have decided they have to live with me..so I will start there...My oldest daughter, Brandy, whom I love dearly, will be the reason I go to an early grave..She keeps me up nights..stressing over her and what she is going to do with her future..see..she got involved with this guy who convinced her that she was his world and she fell in love..had plans to marry the guy and everything..until she got pregnant. THEN his true colors began to shine through. He decided that he didn't want the responsibility of dealing with her and her mood swings, or a child. But he did stick around and TRY to be a good guy..I will give him that..but as soon as the baby was born..she was knocked up again..That's when it all went to hell..Frank got stationed in Texas...(we were in North Carolina) and I was so upset because this man was not going to take care of my pregnant daughter or my grandchild, who was already born..so I insisted that she come with us. She had no one else to go to..Oh, By the way..I was also pregnant with mine and Franks first child..after 4 miscarriages..but that's a whole other story..so anyway..we drive to Texas with pregnant Brandy and Donovan in tow..get here and Frank leaves after 5 months to go to Kuwait for 15 months..so I'm thinking it's a good idea that Brandy is here..she will keep me company while Frank is gone. Oh, then my ex kicks my 20 year old son out and guess where he came?? If only I knew then what I know now..Neither one of them is not accomplishing anything with their lives..Brandy sits around all day watching TV, letting the babies get into everything and my house is always a wreck. Chris stays in his room playing with his computer all day until he leaves for his "night job" at Lowes, then he comes home and plays with his computer, or watches TV then goes to sleep until 3 or 4 the next day...after working for 3 maybe 4 hours a night..I never have any money, and neither one of them can support themselves..This is my life..every single day..And Frank and I are the ones that are suffering, and sacrificing everything for them...and for what? We should have already saved enough money for a down payment on a house,but didn't..hell, I need extensive dental work...but haven't been to the dentist once since we have been here...wanna know why? I can't fricken afford it! Oh gosh..I'm getting pissed again..when does this parenting thing get easier??
Sunday, December 21, 2008
JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE
Just trying to live my life to the fullest every day is really hard right now..when all I want to do is hold you..I don't know when I started needing you so much, but it has happened. I don't like it..I don't like any of this..I just want you home..to be the husband I married and the dad you need to be to our daughter.. I don't want to do this anymore..I want to wake up
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Why I am writing this blog...
I started this blog to hopefully give myself some peace of mind. writing is therapeutic for me..When I was younger I used to write down everything and it always made me feel better. Being away from Frank is so depressing. The only thing that keeps me going is Brie Bear. It's tough being away from Frank and not being able to touch him, but when I touch Brie, I feel like I am touching a part of him too..and I guess I am..:) She IS my sunshine. I am so blessed to have her and I will never take that for granted. I'm just counting down the days when we can be a complete family again. Then I will feel complete.
This will be a blog about everything and anything that touches my life..or that I feel like writing about..serious stuff, silly stuff, stuff that really doesn't matter in the real sceme of life as we know it...but probably nothing that is too serious or is going to get people pissed off at me..lol..I probably won't be telling all of the truth because people hate hearing the truth about themselves or hearing the opinions of someone else, when it concerns them. So I will omit things as I see fit so I don't hurt anyone's feelings.
I'm going to put forth the effort to write this blog at least once a week, so stay tuned!
Peace..
This will be a blog about everything and anything that touches my life..or that I feel like writing about..serious stuff, silly stuff, stuff that really doesn't matter in the real sceme of life as we know it...but probably nothing that is too serious or is going to get people pissed off at me..lol..I probably won't be telling all of the truth because people hate hearing the truth about themselves or hearing the opinions of someone else, when it concerns them. So I will omit things as I see fit so I don't hurt anyone's feelings.
I'm going to put forth the effort to write this blog at least once a week, so stay tuned!
Peace..
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